Some thoughts on being a Muslim Woman, existing
I wanted to pause from posting work updates and reflect on a quote from the abstract of one of the comparative texts I have chosen to use in my literature review. It is in regards to specifically Indian gamers who play video games with colonial themes:
"their encounter with colonial history is direct and unavoidable, especially given the pervasiveness of postcolonial reactions in everything from academia to day-to-day conversation around them."
- Souvik Mukherjee in Playing Subaltern: Video Games and Postcolonialism
When Mukherjee used 'unavoidable', this felt like both a gentle and jarring reminder to myself that my experience navigating life is not universal. Once behaviours settle into a pattern and become habit, one forgets that there is anything unordinary about what you are doing. Not everyone reacts to the term 'colonisation' in the same way. Some hear it so rarely that it acts as their jarring reminder of British history and elicits an immediate sympathetic response. I hear and use 'colonisation' so often that it has the same impact as greeting someone 'alright?' for me. It is not that I am neutral towards the term, but it has become an integral part of my daily lexicon as a Muslim Kashmiri woman that it doesn't warrant a special response. I have noticed these intersections from gauging what someone else is used to talking about and what is new to them. It is not a criticism in of itself, as I believe we are all constantly learning and developing, just something that I have noticed. As I am talking about X concept I can see the other person nodding their head slowly, eyes glazed, absorbing what I'm saying and not being able to challenge the things I am saying, perhaps responding with 'that's an interesting topic'. It is here I realise that they are not used to talking about this, and what is a constant presence penetrating all aspects of my being and influencing most of my life decisions actually has never had the opportunity to settle in the other person's mind.
I was quite young when I realised that not everyone experiences racism. Like colonisation, racism is some people's once-in-a-while jarring reminder whereas it my daily occurrence. I would argue that racism perhaps has become more of a regular annoyance to most people as in recent years it has been drawn to the forefront of conversation thanks to social media. The stark difference still exists in that racism can remain to be an 'annoyance' to most i.e. something that pops up now and then but can be pushed aside or discarded if too overbearing, whereas I cannot escape from the racist experiences that happen to me. Racism does not politely knock on my door, it bursts in without warning and invades and disrupts my whole being. Racism isn't a guest I can uninvite, it is a coloniser that sees me, deems itself entitled to me and attacks.
You may have heard people use the term 'micro-aggression' to describe a form of racism they experience. Defined as "a statement, action or incident regarded as an instance of indirect, subtle or unintentional discrimination against members of a marginalized group such as a racial or ethnic minority", it is perhaps the closest thing I could use to describe the daily racist occurrences I experience. Previously I also used this term, however, nowadays I have decided that 'micro-aggression' actually reduces the impact of the experiences on me by making them seem insignificant with the use of 'micro' implying minimal damage as it is 'indirect, subtle or unintentional'. Whenever I talk about cases of racism I use language which explicitly and accurately describes its effects on me, and for me that means no longer referring to incidents such as the disgust on a checkout operator's face when scanning my items at the supermarket, the sneer of 'terrorist' from an unidentified passerby on a busy shopping street, or snickering young boys calling me 'ugly p*ki girl' as micro-aggressions, but simply as uninhibited racist behaviour. To the perpetrator it may be exactly as the definition defines it as, but to me, who knows this behaviour intimately and from constant exposure has even normalised it to the point I call it a 'daily occurrence', it is direct, crude and intentional. From the reactions of shock to some of the flippant comments I make, it is quite clear that I exist in a very narrow, hidden timeline of what the majority deem as the 'British experience'. I wonder at how exactly my peers view this world. I wonder if they care how the world views me.
As a final point, I think this past week especially has been hard for me in terms of being visibly Muslim. I couldn't even go on Twitter without seeing on full display the damaging consequences of being a Labour Muslim woman in politics (see Zara Sultana). In addition, to see people treat racism as non-existent or something Muslims are making up, I wonder if even I am afforded some level of credibility to the words I speak/type, or if I too must be subjected to doubt. I am in no way aspiring to be a politician, but to see how people like me are treated in positions which garner public eye feels discouraging and I wonder at what kind of reactions my presence would elicit once I enter the gaming industry as I eventually hope to, and whether I am truly welcome there. This is the everyday reality of my life, and I am only too fully, intimately, painfully aware that this is not universal.
"their encounter with colonial history is direct and unavoidable, especially given the pervasiveness of postcolonial reactions in everything from academia to day-to-day conversation around them."
- Souvik Mukherjee in Playing Subaltern: Video Games and Postcolonialism
When Mukherjee used 'unavoidable', this felt like both a gentle and jarring reminder to myself that my experience navigating life is not universal. Once behaviours settle into a pattern and become habit, one forgets that there is anything unordinary about what you are doing. Not everyone reacts to the term 'colonisation' in the same way. Some hear it so rarely that it acts as their jarring reminder of British history and elicits an immediate sympathetic response. I hear and use 'colonisation' so often that it has the same impact as greeting someone 'alright?' for me. It is not that I am neutral towards the term, but it has become an integral part of my daily lexicon as a Muslim Kashmiri woman that it doesn't warrant a special response. I have noticed these intersections from gauging what someone else is used to talking about and what is new to them. It is not a criticism in of itself, as I believe we are all constantly learning and developing, just something that I have noticed. As I am talking about X concept I can see the other person nodding their head slowly, eyes glazed, absorbing what I'm saying and not being able to challenge the things I am saying, perhaps responding with 'that's an interesting topic'. It is here I realise that they are not used to talking about this, and what is a constant presence penetrating all aspects of my being and influencing most of my life decisions actually has never had the opportunity to settle in the other person's mind.
I was quite young when I realised that not everyone experiences racism. Like colonisation, racism is some people's once-in-a-while jarring reminder whereas it my daily occurrence. I would argue that racism perhaps has become more of a regular annoyance to most people as in recent years it has been drawn to the forefront of conversation thanks to social media. The stark difference still exists in that racism can remain to be an 'annoyance' to most i.e. something that pops up now and then but can be pushed aside or discarded if too overbearing, whereas I cannot escape from the racist experiences that happen to me. Racism does not politely knock on my door, it bursts in without warning and invades and disrupts my whole being. Racism isn't a guest I can uninvite, it is a coloniser that sees me, deems itself entitled to me and attacks.
You may have heard people use the term 'micro-aggression' to describe a form of racism they experience. Defined as "a statement, action or incident regarded as an instance of indirect, subtle or unintentional discrimination against members of a marginalized group such as a racial or ethnic minority", it is perhaps the closest thing I could use to describe the daily racist occurrences I experience. Previously I also used this term, however, nowadays I have decided that 'micro-aggression' actually reduces the impact of the experiences on me by making them seem insignificant with the use of 'micro' implying minimal damage as it is 'indirect, subtle or unintentional'. Whenever I talk about cases of racism I use language which explicitly and accurately describes its effects on me, and for me that means no longer referring to incidents such as the disgust on a checkout operator's face when scanning my items at the supermarket, the sneer of 'terrorist' from an unidentified passerby on a busy shopping street, or snickering young boys calling me 'ugly p*ki girl' as micro-aggressions, but simply as uninhibited racist behaviour. To the perpetrator it may be exactly as the definition defines it as, but to me, who knows this behaviour intimately and from constant exposure has even normalised it to the point I call it a 'daily occurrence', it is direct, crude and intentional. From the reactions of shock to some of the flippant comments I make, it is quite clear that I exist in a very narrow, hidden timeline of what the majority deem as the 'British experience'. I wonder at how exactly my peers view this world. I wonder if they care how the world views me.
As a final point, I think this past week especially has been hard for me in terms of being visibly Muslim. I couldn't even go on Twitter without seeing on full display the damaging consequences of being a Labour Muslim woman in politics (see Zara Sultana). In addition, to see people treat racism as non-existent or something Muslims are making up, I wonder if even I am afforded some level of credibility to the words I speak/type, or if I too must be subjected to doubt. I am in no way aspiring to be a politician, but to see how people like me are treated in positions which garner public eye feels discouraging and I wonder at what kind of reactions my presence would elicit once I enter the gaming industry as I eventually hope to, and whether I am truly welcome there. This is the everyday reality of my life, and I am only too fully, intimately, painfully aware that this is not universal.
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